"Bad Santa" quotes

Bad Santa poster
A miserable conman and his partner pose as Santa and his Little Helper to rob department stores on Christmas Eve. But they run into problems when the conman befriends a troubled kid.

Director: Terry Zwigoff
Writer: Glenn Ficarra, John Requa
Production: N/A
Genre: comedy, crime, drama
Year: 2003
MetaScore: 70/100
ImdbRating: 7.1
BoxOffice: $60,060,328
Released: 26 Nov 2003
Awards: 1 win & 12 nominations

105 Clips

This one fucking time I take you home okay - Bad Santa 00:10 This one fucking time I take you home okay Have you seen that new Santa they just hired - Bad Santa 00:07 Have you seen that new Santa they just hired Fucking shit Fuck you - Bad Santa 00:10 Fucking shit Fuck you It's the retard again - Bad Santa 00:25 It's the retard again Check out this loser - Bad Santa 00:21 Check out this loser Merry Christmas Santa's coming - Bad Santa 00:06 Merry Christmas Santa's coming Jesus Fuckin Christ - Bad Santa 00:04 Jesus Fuckin Christ Wish in one hand and shit in the other one see which one fills up first - Bad Santa 00:12 Wish in one hand and shit in the other one see which one... He's on an adventure - Bad Santa 00:36 He's on an adventure Drop the elephant - Bad Santa 00:15 Drop the elephant It's a wooden pickle - Bad Santa 00:13 It's a wooden pickle Asshole how many times I got to tell you Get out from behind my bar - Bad Santa 00:35 Asshole how many times I got to tell you Get out from behind... How many times I gotta tell you - Bad Santa 00:35 How many times I gotta tell you What is this - Bad Santa 00:07 What is this And I can get another midget too Yeah where - Bad Santa 00:08 And I can get another midget too Yeah where What the fuck is that - Bad Santa 00:13 What the fuck is that Fuck you Willie - Bad Santa 00:04 Fuck you Willie I live two streets over on Burningtrail Road - Bad Santa 01:09 I live two streets over on Burningtrail Road Bet the store dick don't want this - Bad Santa 00:16 Bet the store dick don't want this Did you know that - Bad Santa 00:25 Did you know that The hell's wrong with you - Bad Santa 00:18 The hell's wrong with you You're bringing my present early - Bad Santa 00:12 You're bringing my present early Motherfucker - Bad Santa 00:12 Motherfucker Let me fix you some sandwiches - Bad Santa 00:05 Let me fix you some sandwiches What a darling photo - Bad Santa 00:19 What a darling photo That's the seven dwarfs - Bad Santa 00:33 That's the seven dwarfs What the fuck are you doing - Bad Santa 00:32 What the fuck are you doing Let me fix you some sandwiches - Bad Santa 00:33 Let me fix you some sandwiches Are you fucking with me - Bad Santa 00:13 Are you fucking with me Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear - Bad Santa 00:05 Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear When I look at you you know what I think - Bad Santa 00:06 When I look at you you know what I think You probably shouldn't be digging in your ass - Bad Santa 00:06 You probably shouldn't be digging in your ass This is Christmas and the kid's getting his fucking present - Bad Santa 00:08 This is Christmas and the kid's getting his fucking present Your pants are awful baggy - Bad Santa 00:25 Your pants are awful baggy What do you want - Bad Santa 01:02 What do you want Look who's here - Bad Santa 00:32 Look who's here Is your name Thurman Yeah - Bad Santa 00:04 Is your name Thurman Yeah What the hell happened to you I cut my hand by mistake - Bad Santa 00:06 What the hell happened to you I cut my hand by mistake There he is that lousy leather faced frog eyed motherfucker - Bad Santa 00:11 There he is that lousy leather faced frog eyed motherfucker What a terrible accident - Bad Santa 00:08 What a terrible accident What the fuck is wrong with you - Bad Santa 00:15 What the fuck is wrong with you Why don't you get going - Bad Santa 00:19 Why don't you get going Thank the fuck Christ - Bad Santa 00:25 Thank the fuck Christ Man is a sexual being - Bad Santa 00:05 Man is a sexual being Because you got no discipline - Bad Santa 00:18 Because you got no discipline There's a Candy Corn in this one - Bad Santa 00:12 There's a Candy Corn in this one We've been at this for a long time and all - Bad Santa 01:02 We've been at this for a long time and all You smell like a bum's nut sack - Bad Santa 00:16 You smell like a bum's nut sack Fuck the loofah - Bad Santa 00:12 Fuck the loofah You probably shouldn't be digging in your ass - Bad Santa 00:06 You probably shouldn't be digging in your ass Does your daddy have a car - Bad Santa 00:03 Does your daddy have a car Does your daddy have a safe - Bad Santa 00:10 Does your daddy have a safe She said she was 18 - Bad Santa 00:34 She said she was 18 Shouldn't I wrap it in a T shirt or something - Bad Santa 00:47 Shouldn't I wrap it in a T shirt or something Apache Junction - Bad Santa 00:47 Apache Junction Fucking Santy Claus - Bad Santa 00:09 Fucking Santy Claus Thank you for giving that letter to the cops - Bad Santa 00:26 Thank you for giving that letter to the cops Watch the toenails - Bad Santa 00:05 Watch the toenails Shit in the other - Bad Santa 00:12 Shit in the other Should I fix you some sandwiches - Bad Santa 00:08 Should I fix you some sandwiches You shat me out of your womb - Bad Santa 00:16 You shat me out of your womb I'm not your fucking Da Da - Bad Santa 00:04 I'm not your fucking Da Da We split the dough right down the middle - Bad Santa 00:43 We split the dough right down the middle But I got sick and all the hair fell out - Bad Santa 00:16 But I got sick and all the hair fell out I've been to prison once - Bad Santa 00:31 I've been to prison once Sweet Jews for Jesus - Bad Santa 00:05 Sweet Jews for Jesus IF I call you next December - Bad Santa 00:22 IF I call you next December I saw you at another mall - Bad Santa 00:14 I saw you at another mall I'm on my fucking lunch break - Bad Santa 00:06 I'm on my fucking lunch break Want me to fix you some sandwiches - Bad Santa 00:18 Want me to fix you some sandwiches You are really Santa - Bad Santa 00:11 You are really Santa I hear your buddy's not here to protect you any more - Bad Santa 00:17 I hear your buddy's not here to protect you any more You are by far the dumbest most pathetic piece of maggot eating shit - Bad Santa 00:11 You are by far the dumbest most pathetic piece of maggot... Is everything fuckin' sex with you - Bad Santa 00:21 Is everything fuckin' sex with you I thought it was always night at the North Pole - Bad Santa 00:12 I thought it was always night at the North Pole I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time sure - Bad Santa 00:08 I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time sure I just can't help it - Bad Santa 00:15 I just can't help it I've always had a thing for Santa Claus - Bad Santa 00:15 I've always had a thing for Santa Claus Let me tell you something - Bad Santa 00:52 Let me tell you something You ain't gonna shit right for a week - Bad Santa 00:07 You ain't gonna shit right for a week That's three of us - Bad Santa 01:00 That's three of us More butt fucking - Bad Santa 00:11 More butt fucking Why do you need a car - Bad Santa 00:54 Why do you need a car This is not the DMV - Bad Santa 00:06 This is not the DMV See Mrs Santa caught me fucking her sister - Bad Santa 00:08 See Mrs Santa caught me fucking her sister Good night Santa - Bad Santa 00:13 Good night Santa And shit in the other - Bad Santa 00:12 And shit in the other It won't happen again - Bad Santa 01:15 It won't happen again You can't drink worth shit - Bad Santa 00:19 You can't drink worth shit You're shittin' me - Bad Santa 00:35 You're shittin' me I think I've turned a corner - Bad Santa 00:46 I think I've turned a corner What do you mean - Bad Santa 00:58 What do you mean You're an emotional fucking cripple - Bad Santa 00:09 You're an emotional fucking cripple Exploring mountains - Bad Santa 01:10 Exploring mountains Merry Christmas - Bad Santa 00:50 Merry Christmas You shat me outta your womb - Bad Santa 01:20 You shat me outta your womb Is that your underwear - Bad Santa 03:31 Is that your underwear Santa have kids - Bad Santa 00:28 Santa have kids It's a Kintnerboy Redoubt - Bad Santa 02:31 It's a Kintnerboy Redoubt What the fuck is it with you and fixin' fuckin' sandwiches - Bad Santa 00:26 What the fuck is it with you and fixin' fuckin' sandwiches In case you didn't notice - Bad Santa 00:34 In case you didn't notice What the fuck are you talking about - Bad Santa 01:58 What the fuck are you talking about I said I am not gay - Bad Santa 01:39 I said I am not gay What are their names - Bad Santa 01:27 What are their names Get him outta here - Bad Santa 02:57 Get him outta here

Cast

Marcus - Tony Cox
The Kid - Brett Kelly
Lois - Lauren Tom
Bob Chipeska - John Ritter
Hindustani Troublemaker - Ajay Naidu
Milwaukee Mother - Lorna Scott
Milwaukee Boy - Harrison Bieker
Milwaukee Mom with Photo - Alex Borstein
Girl on Santa's Lap - Alexandra Korhan
Milwaukee Bratty Boy - Dylan Charles
Milwaukee Security Guard - Billy Gardell
Milwaukee Bartender - Lisa Ross
Miami Bartender - Bryan Callen
Harrison - Tom McGowan
Big Booty Woman - Grace Calderon
Photo Elf - Christine Pichardo
Nintendo Deer Hunter 3 Boy - Bucky Dominick
Barbie Girl - Georgia Eskew
Fraggle-Stick Boy - Hayden Bromberg
Skateboard Bully - Max Van Ville
Pinball Girl - Briana Norton
Woman in Food Court - Hallie Singleton
Shoplifter - Ryan Pinkston
Pedicurist - Natsuko Ohama
Prison Guard - Dave Adams
Roger Merman - Ethan Phillips
Pokemon Child - Joey Saravia
Watching Boy - Cody Strauch
Watching Boy - Marshall Dvorin
Phoenix Security Guard - Curtis Taylor
Police Chief - John Bunnell
Sergeant - Joe Bucaro III
Kid on Bike - Dylan Cash
Grandma - Cloris Leachman
Herb - Matt Walsh