Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
This is the Muscle Simulator. | This is the Whale Shark Gummer

Transcript:
Rakeyohn:
[referring to bungee wedgie]
This is like worse than a hanging. | Dudes this is like worse than a hanging

Scene Description:
a man wearing sunglasses and a shirt that has the word no on it.

Transcript:
Steve-O:
[while preparing the wasabi to snort it]
Chopsticks are so *stupid*! | God chopsticks are so stupid

Transcript:
Chris Pontius:
[putting the "Muscle Stimulator" on a sensitive area]
Right, let's zap my nuts. | That's a man

Transcript:
Eric Koston:
I can't believe he got that far! | I can't believe he got that far

Transcript:
Steve-O:
That's Danger Ehren, a.k.a. "Who?" and that's Dave England, a.k.a. "Why?" | When the days are short and the nights are long And I walk and they walk I twist and they twist And I shimmy and th...

Transcript:
Bam Margera:
[about the upset customer in the store]
He was so bummed! He went there to buy QTips and he just got bummed because there was a fight going on! | Oh What do I do Did you shit Did you do i...

Transcript:
Ryan Dunn:
If I do your hand, you'll forget about the pain in your foot.
Johnny Knoxville:
That's a good point. | If I do your hand you'll forget about the pain in your foot That's a good point

Transcript:
Johnny Knoxville:
I'm here with Eric Koston and Clyde Singleton and today I'm gonna 50-50 this rail and... or try to. | I'm here with Eric Koston and Clyde Singleton and today I'm gonna 50 50 this rai...

Transcript:
Henry Rollins:
This is designed to fuck you up! | This was designed to fuck you up

Transcript:
Henry Rollins:
Christian motherfucker! | You Christian motherfucker

Transcript:
Bam Margera:
[after getting a surprise haircut]
Eh! What the fuck! | Hey What the fuck What the

Transcript:
Emil Slovak:
I love America. No one is responsible for what they do. | I love America No one is responsible for what they do

Transcript:
Emil Slovak:
I can kill you - I'm insane. | I can kill you I'm insane

Transcript:
Robert Hawkins:
If it bleeds, it leads! | If it bleeds it leads What have you got

Transcript:
Jordy Warsaw:
[pointing his gun at Emil]
You want to be a real American? You want to be a tough guy? Here's Eddie's gun. Shoot me! Shoot me!
Emil Slovak:
[laughs]
You can't kill me. You're not a cop....

Transcript:
Emil Slovak:
[Slovak is washing his wound in the sink while Razgul films, then he cuts the lights]
What are you doing?
Oleg Razgul:
I'm cutting the lights to make it more dramatic, just like the movi...

Transcript:
Oleg Razgul:
[after filming Slovak shooting Korfin]
Perfect! Cut! Print! | Perfect Cut Print Go

Transcript:
Robert Hawkins:
Hard to believe... watch. | Hard to believe Watch

Scene Description:
a shirtless man is taking a picture of a man with a camera.

Transcript:
[Teasing Jordy]

Eddie Flemming:
I think I smell fire across the street. | I got it I smell smoke across the street

Transcript:
[about Daphne]

Eddie Flemming:
So, you want to talk to her alone?
Jordy Warsaw:
Yeah.
Eddie Flemming:
All right. But, you bring her in to the station right away and don't let her out of your sight....

Scene Description:
a man in a suit talking to another man.

Transcript:
Eddie Flemming:
[trying to propose to Nicolette Karas]
Speaking of shoes. You know what I was thinking I'm... You know I, I would like to have a...
[long pause]

Eddie Flemming:
some shoes next to my...

Transcript:
Immigration Supervisor:
Are you related?
Oleg Razgul:
Yes.
Immigration Supervisor:
How?
Oleg Razgul:
I'm his friend. | Passport please Are you related Yes He's my friend

Transcript:
Eddie Flemming:
Thrill of the hunt. | Thrill of the hunt

Transcript:
Eddie Flemming:
That's another lesson. You got nothing to say don't waste their time or yours. Let somebody else do that. | That's another lesson You got nothing to say don't waste their time or yours...

Transcript:
Eddie Flemming:
Why don't you keep it? Don't say I never gave you anything. | Why don't you keep it Don't say I never gave you anything

Transcript:
Emil Slovak:
We are insane. Who else but crazy men would film their crimes? | We are insane Who else but crazy men would film their crimes

Transcript:
Roseanne Barr:
So, before you sleptwith her with your own son's wife, did you take even a second to think about the consequences?
Talk Show Father:
I take full responsibility for sleeping with her. I...

Transcript:
Jordy Warsaw:
Now that you know Eddie maybe he'll put you in the next movie about him.
Bobby Korfin:
You think so?
Jordy Warsaw:
You can play his wife. | Now that you know Eddie maybe he'll put you ...

Transcript:
Stephen Geller:
It was my finger that pulled the trigger but morally I'm not responsible. | It was my finger that pulled the trigger but morally I'm not responsible

Transcript:
News Stand Vendor:
It pays to be a killer in this country. | It pays to be a killer in this country

Transcript:
Emil Slovak:
You Americans are pussies without your missiles and money. You won't kill me. You don't have the balls. | You Americans are pussies without your missiles and money You won't kill me You d...

Transcript:
Eddie Flemming:
You want a glass of water? | You want a glass of water

Transcript:
Eddie Flemming:
[to Jordy]
You remind me of a dog I used to have. Pissed all over the carpet. Kept him anyway. | You remind me of a puppy I used to have who pissed all over the carpet but I still kept...

Transcript:
Oleg Razgul:
[on the brink of death]
A film by Oleg Razgul... How was that? Was it good? | his partner Oleg Razgul who threatened to kill him

Scene Description:
two men sit on a couch and one of them is talking on a phone.

Transcript:
Dora Diamond:
Well, you know how there are couples that stay together just because they feel like they can't do any better, or there are people who are sad and miserable and live alone? But then there...

Scene Description:
a man is holding a box of mountain dew.

Transcript:
Dora Diamond:
I love self-loathing complaint rock you can dance to. | l love self loathing complaint rock you can dance to

Transcript:
Paul Tannek:
Think you could turn it down just a skosh?
Chris:
Skosh? What's that? | Could you turn it down a skosh A skosh What the hell is that

Transcript:
Paul Tannek:
What was that?
Dora Diamond:
A kiss.
Paul Tannek:
You call that a kiss? | What was that A kiss You call that a kiss

Transcript:
Dora Diamond:
You have a girlfriend?
Paul Tannek:
Ex-girlfriend. We dated in high school.
Dora Diamond:
Do you still see her?
Paul Tannek:
No. She lost some weight over the summer, so she's dating ...

Scene Description:
a young man is standing in a room with a sign that says " keep your eyes closed ".

Transcript:
Professor Edward Alcott:
You know, I have this kind of crazy philosophy that your grades should represent your grasp of the material and not your negotiating skills - which are amazing, by the way. | ...

Scene Description:
a group of people in a room with one of them reading a book.

Transcript:
Adam:
You gotta help me. Lisa is all primed but her helpful friend, fat Rita, will take her home unless she gets some action, too.
Noah:
OK, first of all, I'm way too wasted to be operating heavy mac...

Transcript:
Paul Tannek:
Oh, are you referring to the illegal drugs you disperse at parties?
Chris:
What are you talking about? What, are you gonna turn into a narc on us? | What are you doing You stole over 200...

Transcript:
Paul Tannek:
What kinda drugs were you giving out here?
Chris:
Drugs? Man, all we had was BEER.
Paul Tannek:
You can't pass out from beer.
Chris:
Yes, you can, if you take something before you drin...

Transcript:
Professor Edward Alcott:
Paul, Adam, Chris, Noah - they're all my little honor students, but they couldn't get through a copy of Rolling Stone between the four of them. | Paul Adam Chris Noah they're ...

Transcript:
Chris:
I'm gonna tell you something, and this... this is gonna be for your own good, okay?
Paul Tannek:
Okay.
Chris:
No one likes you.
Paul Tannek:
They don't?
Chris:
No. You didn't notice? | l'm ...

Transcript:
Chris:
Man, our T.G. party was a total bust. Every time I got close to hittin' it with one of those new mamas, her evil girlfriend's got to show up and screw everything up.
Adam:
What we need is a hi...

Transcript:
Adam:
[noticing Paul's dorky hat]
That is a great hat! Did the producers of Fargo have a garage sale? | That's not a problem l don't have a portfolio

Transcript:
Professor Edward Alcott:
I'm sure if she were alive, Betty Friedan would applaud your little epiphany.
Dora Diamond:
Oh really? Well, if Kafka was still alive he'd say "Stop misinterpreting my novels...

Transcript:
Prisoner:
[handcuffed to a cop, watching a baldness treatment product TV commercial in the hospital waiting room]
Losing your hair sucks.
Paul Tannek:
They say it comes from your mother.
Prisoner:
[...

Transcript:
Dora Diamond:
It isn't ennobling, being poor. It just makes you mean.
Paul Tannek:
Yeah, that's why all the really nice people are rich. | Being poor isn't ennobling lt makes you mean Oh yeah l get i...

Scene Description:
a man and a woman are walking down the street and one of them is holding a pillow.

Transcript:
Noah:
There you are again with those books! What is that?
Paul Tannek:
Studying? | There you go again with those books man What is that Studying

Transcript:
Dora Diamond:
You think I don't know anything!
Professor Edward Alcott:
[flirtingly]
I think you know how to walk in a pair of platform Mary Janes. I think you know how to style your hair with an egg...

Scene Description:
a man is sitting on a radiator in a room with a window behind him.

Transcript:
Video Store Clerk:
Could you maintain a rod and watch Billy Crystal at the same time? Nah, don't feel bad. No one can. | Can you maintain a rod and watch Billy Crystal at the same time No don't feel b...

Scene Description:
a man is standing in front of a display of cds and cds.

Transcript:
Noah:
Oh, my God. Are you guys taking Psych?
Chris, Adam:
Yeah.
Noah:
Do you ever look in the book?
Chris:
No.
Noah:
Look at this retard!
[all laugh] | Oh my God Are you guys taking Psych Di...

Transcript:
Paul Tannek:
Hey, has anybody seen my toothbrush?
Chris:
[from the other room]
You can't find it? Shit, you better find that thing, man. Those things can cost up to $2.50.
Noah:
[also from the other...

Scene Description:
a man is standing in a doorway with a towel in his hand.

Transcript:
Chris:
Come on! You're my asshole buddy. Look, since O'Brien died...
Paul Tannek:
What?
Chris:
O'Brien, on the eighth floor, he died. So they've instituted this new policy where they're, like, doing...

Transcript:
Alice Marano:
That's all freedom is... an illusion. | Because that's all freedom is An illusion

Scene Description:
a group of people are standing in front of a building.

Transcript:
Alice:
If my brain wasn't on drugs right now, I could possibly kill someone. | Besides if my brain wasn't on drugs I'd possibly kill someone

Scene Description:
a woman with a shirt that has the letter m on it

Transcript:
[first lines]

'Yankee' Hank Green:
I scheduled the hearing for the Burmese. | If you repent plead guilty ask for the court's mercy

Transcript:
[Happy sinks an amazing putt]

Happy Gilmore:
[intentionally antagonizing Shooter]
Did that go in? I wasn't watching, did it go in? I didn't see it, could you tell me if it went in? | You like that ol...

Transcript:
Virginia:
[stopping Happy from fighting Shooter]
Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey! You want to beat him? Beat him on the course.
Happy Gilmore:
That's right, I'm gonna beat your ass on the course!
Shooter McGavin...

Transcript:
Mover:
I'll tell you what, you hit a ball past my ball, and we'll go straight back to work so you can watch your precious hockey game.
Happy Gilmore:
Give me the stupid club.
[approaches the ball on...

Scene Description:
three men stand in front of a set of flowers and one of them is wearing a shirt that says " the man on the front. "

Transcript:
Happy Gilmore:
[speaking to shooter after making his first drive of the championship]
Do you know what the pathetic thing is? You have been doing this your whole life. | You know what's pathetic You'v...

Transcript:
Shooter McGavin:
[shouting at the spectators]
Damn you people. This is golf. Not a rock concert. | Damn you people This is golf not a rock concert

Transcript:
Shooter McGavin:
[after Happy putts for Waterbury victory, sort of disappointed]
Oh, he's gonna be on the tour that's... that's super.
[Happy does a funny victory "dance" with his caddy]

Shooter McG...

Scene Description:
a man and a woman are standing in a field and one of them is wearing a white suit.

Transcript:
Happy Gilmore:
[to himself while getting pelted with baseballs inside the batting cage]
Oh, God, that hurt a little, but I'm alright. | God that hurt but I'm okay

Transcript:
Chubbs:
[in the parking lot of the golf course]
Golf's no different from Hockey. It requires talent and self discipline.
Happy Gilmore:
Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my ...

Transcript:
Happy Gilmore:
[a limo passes by]
Whoa, must be Burt Reynolds or somethin'. | Whoa must be Burt Reynolds or something