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Marley's Ghost: [before he flies out Scrooge's window to be with the other ghosts] These spirits tried to interfere for good in human affairs, but they lost the power forever. That is the curse we...

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Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge: Is there no chance that boy will be spared?
The Ghost of Christmas Present: Not if the future remains unaltered. But so what if he dies? If he's going to do it he'd better do it ...

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Nurse Edna: Dr. Holtz seems nice. I think he only wants to help.
Dr. Wilbur Larch: He's a goddamn psychiatrist! Of course he wants to help. He'd be happy to help to commit me.
Nurse Angela: It's this ...

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Murphy: You know the golden rule: fuck the gold. He who has a nickel-plated makes the rules. | Nevertheless I do know the golden rule And what's that sweetheart Fuck the gold He who has the nickel...

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Gina Vitale: Just stop. Otherwise, I can't go on. Just run normally.
Michael Felgate: I am running normally.
Gina Vitale: Oh. Right. I'm sorry. I thought, you know... I guess I haven't seen you run be...

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Dr. Harvey Mandrake: [criticizing the young Dr. Ollie Powers for presuming to examine Jack 'Cap' Rooney] You're actually one of the few relatives that I can stomach, but - You're the internist; I'm...

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Tony D'Amato: That's what a leader's about: sacrifice. The times he's gotta sacrifice because he's gotta lead, by example. Not by fear and not by self-pity. | Because that's what a leader's about...

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Iona Hildebrandt: I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess 1945. We were at war with the Japs. Didn't even get to keep my damn tiara. Had to turn it in for scrap. | I was Mount Rose American Teen...

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Harold Vilmes: [to Hank] Here's your paint can. And the next time you drink window cleaner, I'm just gonna leave it in you! | There's your paint can The next time you drink window cleaner I'm just...

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[answering "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?"]
Becky Ann Leeman: I'd have good strong roots in a town like Mt. Rose, a solid Christian trunk, and long, leafy branches to provide sha...

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Voice of Documentarian: Do you think that most people would say that teenage beauty pageants are a good idea?
Gladys Leeman: Oh yeah, sure. I know what some of your big city, no-bra-wearing, hairy-leg...

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Voice of Documentarian: [Gladys has just thought of a theme for the pageant: Proud to be an American] So what was the theme of the pageant last year?
Gladys Leeman: Oh, that was "Buy American"
Voice o...

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Gladys Leeman: [looking for a parking space] You'd think they'd have the parking lot of America to go with the Mall of America.
[Gladys parks in a handicapped parking space]
Iris Clark: That's a $200 ...

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Cop #1: Oh yah, hell of a way to go there. After some thorough investigating we determined that the Curry girl must have been smoking and driving.
[cut to Amber working in the funeral home]
Amber Atki...

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Amber Atkins: Yah, my ma's clothes all melted onto mine forming, like, this big polyester meteor in our closet, y'know? But, in some kinda weird miracle, our neighbor boy, Kenny Hanson, found my tap...

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Loretta: Are we on 'Cops' again? | Oh are we on Cops again

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Mary Johanson: With one week to go before the pageant, I was finishing my outfit, rehearsing my talent, brushing up on current events, and running 18 miles a day on about 400 calories. I was ready. |...

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Iris Clark: Amber, I'm sorry, I really am, but you know the rules. All talent costumes have to be OK'd by Gladys before the pageant.
Amber Atkins: But doesn't someone taking your costume so you can't ...

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Hank Vilmes: Harold, are we on COPS? Are we on COPS? Are we on COPS, Harold?
Harold Vilmes: Shut up, Hanky, this here's business.
[Harold gives Hank a smack on the head]
Hank Vilmes: Ow! Harold, Mom s...

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Mount Rose Mayor: [about the town sign, which says "Home of Freda Hegstrom, Minnesota's Oldest Living Lutheran"] Oh, yeah, sure, Freda, sure. She was the oldest living Lutheran, now she's dead as a...

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[Amber is being filmed in her bedroom in her trailer. Annette is heard coughing]
Amber Atkins: That's my mom.
Annette Atkins: [from outside] Hey, Amber, did ya get my smokes?
Amber Atkins: Oh, yah, I'...

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[last lines]
Mr. Mersault: Isn't the theater magical? What?
Nancy Clark: Are those my earrings?
Mr. Mersault: Bravo! Bravo! | Isn't the theater magical What Are those my earrings Bravo Bravo

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Mr. Mersault: Such a good idea to get a head start to the airport. Visit those fine shops. Get to know a Hare Krishna, perhaps. | But of course Such a good idea to get a head start to the airport...

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Paul: Gimme a break, okay?
Henry Clark: Give you a break? Give you a break? Hey! Listen. In the past 24 hours, I have destroyed a car, been thrown out of a hotel, forced to reveal my most intimate sec...

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Receptionist: [on the phone] It's permanent. You never have to wax again... Of course it hurts. Oh, it is so totally worth it. I mean, what, with global warming, you're gonna be in a bathing suit all...

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Mr. Mersault: Mrs. Clark, let me explain. If you are a paying guest at this hotel, I fawn, I grovel. I am, in fact, your very plaything. But if you're not a guest, you do not exist. | Mrs Clark let me...

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Sergeant Jordan: Lady, give me a break, okay?
Nancy Clark: Give you a break? Give *you* a break? Hey! Let me share something with you. In the last 24 hours, I have been rerouted, mugged, evicted, chas...

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Nancy Clark: I need bail money at the 15th Precinct, and I need it here right now. And bring some muffins! | I need bail money at the 15th Precinct and I need it here right now And bring some muffins...

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Nancy Clark: They're chasing us!
Henry Clark: "Public fornication" won't look good on my resume.
Nancy Clark: Oh, Henry, I got grass - grass - grass in my ass. | NANCY They're chasing us Public fornic...

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Henry Clark: My wife and I give you our oath we will not bear witness. Nancy, tell them we will not bear witness.
Nancy Clark: No, we will not bear witness. We don't know how to bear witness. | my wif...

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Mr. Mersault: Oh! All right, all right. Don't get your knickers in a twist. Look. Can't a girl have some fun? I could've danced all night. | Ohh All right all right Don't get your knickers in a twist...

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Greg: Hey! Hey, you're the manager, right? Hello! You checked me in! Let me tell you something. Norman Bates could do a better job of running this hotel than you could. | Hey Hey you're the manager...

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Henry Clark: You might think we're insignificant out-of-towners from Ohio, but I happen to know what our rights are. | You might think we're insignificant out of towners from Ohio but I happen to know...

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Henry Clark: Who am I, the anonymous sperm donor? | And who am I the anonymous sperm donor

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Mr. Mersault: [singing] Bad girls, Talking 'bout the sad girl, Sad girl, Talking 'bout bad, bad girls, yeah... | Bad girl Bad girl Talkin' about the sad girl Sad girl Yeah A sad girl Sad girl Talking...

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Nancy Clark: Oh, Henry, you know me. When I'm hungry, I'll seduce anyone.
Henry Clark: Oh, well that's comforting. | You know me When I'm hungry I'll seduce anyone Oh that's comforting

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Henry Clark: I barely recognized you. You were so animalistic. You were so hedonistic. You were so naughty.
Nancy Clark: Oh, you're so sweet, honey. | I barely recognized you You were so animalistic Y...

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Greg: Some women might find this kind of scenario a little intimidating.
Nancy Clark: Oh, I don't find this scenario intimidating. I find it kind of, um, dangerous in an erotic sense.
Greg: Oh, I love...

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Henry Clark: Nancy, I'm gonna have you checked for testicles. | Nancy Uhh Aah Ohh Ohh Nancy I'm gonna have you checked for testicles

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Mr. Mersault: How was Monte Carlo?
Mrs. Wellstone: Oh, it would not stop raining.
Mr. Mersault: Damn the French! | How was Monte Carlo Oh it would not stop raining Damn the French

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Henry Clark: I'm not getting this job. Not without a shave and a clean suit and a good night's sleep. By tomorrow morning, I'm gonna look like Keith Richards. | I'm not getting this job Not without a...

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Nancy Clark: You were fired? I don't believe it! Not only do I hear it for the first time, but I hear it in front of a bunch of perverts? Oh, God! How could you not tell me?
Henry Clark: Hey, you lied...

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Nancy Clark: Embrace life! I want to live! I want to feel useful! I want to explore and experience! I - I want to suck the *marrow* out of life, Henry! What do you want?
Henry Clark: Well, I - I defin...

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Mr. Mersault: Mrs. Wellstone, I just love those shoes. Don't break my heart and tell me they're not real leopard. | And Mrs Wellstone I just love those shoes Don't break my heart and tell me they're...

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Edward: I'd like to start off by letting everyone know how much your support has meant to me. As you know, I've been masturbating up to 17 times a day. | I'd like to start off by letting everyone know...

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Sexaholic: Have you tried tying each other up with bamboo? | Have you tried tying each other up with bamboo

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Sheena: This is boring. If this keeps up, I'm gonna sleep with somebody right now. | This is boring If this keeps up I'm gonna sleep with somebody right now

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Dr. Faber: So your problem is lack of sex. Tell us more.
Henry Clark: You know something? We're from Ohio and we really don't discuss sex in public. It's sort of our state motto. | Oh so your problem ...

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Sheena: I would love to sleep with you, Henry. I find failure very erotic. Or success. Doesn't matter. | I would love to sleep with you Henry I find failure very erotic Or success Doesn't matter

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Nancy Clark: I don't know droit. | I don't know Dad

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Nancy Clark: Honey, I want to get to the hotel. How do we get there?
Henry Clark: That's very simple. You see, the streets of New York are laid out on a rigid grid.
Nancy Clark: Yeah, like somebody el...

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Nancy Clark: I thought you hated New York.
Henry Clark: I only hated New York when it was hip to hate New York. Now it's not hip to hate it anymore, so I don't hate it. I'm in advertising. I'm weak an...

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Henry Clark: Look, Alan, you're going abroad for the first time. You're gonna be in a foreign country. You might even, you know, go to Amsterdam. And, you know, just - just - European women are...

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Nancy Clark: Oh, Henry, what are we gonna do? I'm melting out of my dress. | Oh perfect Oh Henry what are we gonna do I'm melting out of my dress

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Henry Clark: You want to know what my version of marrow-sucking is?
Nancy Clark: What?
Henry Clark: It's being with you. That's how I suck. | You want to know what my version of marrow sucking is What...

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Henry Clark: Were we nuts?
Nancy Clark: Well, we just got lost in our essence.
Henry Clark: There's cops everywhere, we have to lay low for a while. There's something I never thought I'd hear myself s...

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Henry Clark: Do you know what your problem is?
Mr. Mersault: No, what's my problem?
Henry Clark: You live here. You're jaded. What you need is a fresh perspective from an outsider from say Ooo-hio! Be...

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Connor: Okay, Roc...
[Connor looks at him and laughs; his mask is badly put on]
Rocco: What? You guys got masks.
Murphy: You look like Mush Mouth from Fat Albert.
[as they keep giggling, Rocco takes h...

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[after Rocco fondles an unconscious stripper's breast]
Connor: What the fuck are you doing?
Rocco: ...I'll tip her. | What the fuck are you doing I'll tip her

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Detective Greenly: These guys are miles away by now, but if you wanna beat your head against a wall, then here's what you're looking for: they're scared, like two little bunny rabbits. Anything in a...

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Doc: Why don't you make like a tree, and get the fuck outta here? | Why don't you make like a tree and get the fuck out of here

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Felix: Fuckin' Yanks! | Fucking yanks

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The Lizard: He fucked me. I'm truly ass-invaded. | He fucked me I'm truly ass invaded

Transcript:
Elmo: So, let me get this straight. "Bollocks" is bad, whereas "the dogs bollocks" is good, huh?
Felix: Yeah.
[Felix sees Kane's car]
Felix: Oh, Bollocks! | So let me get this straight Bollocks is bad...

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Detective Virgil Kane: Now, aren't you the clever little chunky monkey?
Arthur: You keep banging on about my weight. Now you are crossing the line.
Detective Virgil Kane: Arthur, it was a joke. It was...

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Elmo: Ain't that always the way? Elevator music, a nigger in a kilt, and a chick with a nickel-plated nine. | Ain't that always the way Elevator music a nigger in a kilt a chick with a nickel plated...

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[first lines]
Elmo: I mean, rules are like, arbitrary, you know. Made up for people who believe in fairy tales like, you know, like Santa Claus. Hey, but not us, right? I mean, we know what's importan...

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Jack Renoble: A cynic is an idealist who's been disappointed. | A cynic is just an idealist who's been disappointed

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Barry W. Blaustein: I could never get over the fact that guys could beat the crap out of each other in the ring, and be friendly outside of it. Some of Terry's most famous matches were against a man...