Transcript:
Dr. Iris 'Irish' Ryan:
[Looking out the spaceship window]
Makes Broadway look like a dark alley!
Col. Thomas O'Bannion:
How about exploring that dark alley together? | Makes Broadway look like a dark...
Transcript:
Dr. Iris 'Irish' Ryan:
[Looking out the spaceship window]
Look! Both moons are visible!
CWO Sam Jacobs:
Hey, two moons! What a place for romance, hunh?
Dr. Iris 'Irish' Ryan:
And songwriters!
CWO S...
Transcript:
Col. Thomas O'Bannion:
You know, Irish, you're the first scientist I've ever known with lovely, long red hair! | You know Irish you're the first scientist I've ever known with lovely long red hair
Transcript:
Dr. Iris 'Irish' Ryan:
Fantastic! All the characteristics of plant life but no chlorophyll! | Iris Fantastic All the characteristics of plant life but hardly any chlorophyll
Transcript:
CWO Sam Jacobs:
[Talking to his ray gun which has approved effective against a Martian monster]
I think I'll call you Cleopatra because you're such a cool doll! | I think I'll call ya Cleopatra 'cause...
Transcript:
Col. Thomas O'Bannion:
[after the group has escaped an encounter with a Martian monster]
You know, chin up, Sammy Boy!
CWO Sam Jacobs:
Some playmate! King Kong's brother! | I know there's something o...
Transcript:
Prof. Theodore Gettell:
It takes a brave man to admit his fears, Sam. We're all afraid of the unknown. | It takes a brave man to admit his fears Sam We're all afraid of the unknown
Transcript:
CWO Sam Jacobs:
[after Iris has described the creature she saw looking through the porthole]
Hey, three eyes! What a crazy peepin' Tom! | Hey three eyes What a crazy Peepin' Tom huh
Transcript:
CWO Sam Jacobs:
If Martians are out there they must be invisible. | If those Martians are out there they must be invisible
Transcript:
[repeated line]
Col. Thomas O'Bannion:
Irish. | not Irish
Transcript:
John Tyson:
Well, I've always thought of myself as a man's man.
Susan Wayne:
Who want's to be a man's man? Where's the fun in that? | I've always thought of myself more as a man's man Oh nonsense Who...
Transcript:
Jennifer Smith:
But you've got to give me that film! My whole repuation is at stake on account of that film!
Bill Craig:
You shouldn't pose for such pictures, Miss Smith.
[waggles finger at her]
Bi...
Transcript:
Nick Blake:
I guess his time was up. Nobody lives forever. | I guess his time was up Nobody lives forever
Transcript:
Nick Blake:
I don't wanna get rough with you unless I have to! | But he don't wanna split with Doc and the boys
Scene Description:
a black and white photo of a woman in a living room
Transcript:
Nick Blake:
People like me don't change. | People like me don't change You have changed
Transcript:
Nick Blake:
[First Lines]
[voice-over]
Nick Blake:
This was the view from my window in the Army hospital on Governor's Island. | I was the biggest once Yeah but once don't count We shall call it a n...
Transcript:
Al Doyle:
[Last Lines]
[to Windy and Ben the security guard as he hears police sirens approaching]
Al Doyle:
You'll have plenty of time to dry out now. | What happened I got no time to talk now
Transcript:
Lester:
I can't believe that you are my mentor!
Hank:
Yeah. Neither can I. | Oh man I can't believe that you are my mentor Yeah neither can I Oh thanks
Transcript:
Baron Blackout:
Now that is an impressive suit. But why are you using it to help a bunch of useless henchmen?
Lester:
Because I am a henchman! | Now that is an impressive suit Ahh Ahh Ahh But why are...
Transcript:
Bob:
I didn't pay for you to go to Harvard to mop floors. You could've just as easily gone to the state school to mop floors. | I didn't pay for you to go to Harvard to mop floors You could've just as...
Transcript:
Allison:
I don't think it was your wife who gave up on the potential you, I just think it was you. | I don't think it was your wife who gave up on the potential you I just think it was you
Transcript:
Helen:
You could use some confidence, Nate.
Nate:
You think so?
Helen:
Oh yes, I know about these things. | You could use some confidence Nate You think so Oh yes I know about these things
Transcript:
Nate:
So I'll check food and your health off the list of the things you're willing to actually discuss.
[pause]
Nate:
Dad, what happened to all of Mom's stuff from the old house? I mean, it's as if ...
Transcript:
Allison:
Once I serve my time with Dee, I'll go to Seattle or something and start over.
Nate:
Why Seattle?
Allison:
Um, can't get much further from New Jersey. | I think once I serve my time with De...
Transcript:
Gabe:
Daddy!
Nate:
Yes, Gabe?
Gabe:
You're not supposed to litter.
[Gabe's car window rolls up] | Yes Gabe You're not supposed to litter
Transcript:
Allison:
My mom has this crazy idea that you're gonna come help them... with the play.
Nate:
Why is it so crazy? You're helping them.
Allison:
Yeah but, that's different.
Nate:
Why?
Allison:
Well,...
Transcript:
Allison:
Which Nate wants to be friends, you or the potential you?
Nate:
Both.
Allison:
Sure, I'll read it
[Nate's screenplay]
Allison:
. I'm outnumbered. | But which Nate wants to be friends you ...
Scene Description:
a man and a woman lie side by side on the ground.
Transcript:
Nate:
When you fall in love with someone, you're partially falling in love with the person they are at that moment, and partially with the person you hoped they would become. Maybe I let her down in t...
Transcript:
Ellis:
Every young man should go to war. | Every young man should go to war See the world
Scene Description:
two men are sitting at a table with a coffee cup in front of them.
Transcript:
Bob:
What did the doctor say?
Nate:
He said you've got to stop masturbating... so he can examine you.
[Bob smiles] | What did the doctor say He said you've got to stop masturbating So he can examine...
Transcript:
Deb Clarington:
[seeing a zombie outbreak and first thinking it's fake]
Boy, the parade's really going downhill. | The parade's really gone downhill this year
Transcript:
Ryan Waverly:
[coming across a zombiefied Joe]
Joe, why are you eating a foot? | Dude why are you eating a foot
Scene Description:
a man eating a shoe that is being eaten by a man.
Transcript:
Stacy:
[Deb asks her mom if people are eating each other]
This is Virginia Beach, not Florida. | I'm in Virginia Beach honey not Florida
Transcript:
Deb Clarington:
[Ryan suggests that the zombies could be made human again]
Even if it's true, would they want to? How could you live with yourself knowing you ate your roommate's lower intestines?
De...
Transcript:
Frank Waverly:
[a zombiefied Ruby bites him]
Bit by a zombie in a god-awful sweater.
Frank Waverly:
[to a mercenary strike force]
Come on, you piss ants.
Frank Waverly:
[a stunned Chazz gets bitten]...
Scene Description:
a man and a woman are standing next to each other.
Transcript:
Deb Clarington:
[on her now-zombiefied anchorwoman colleague]
She's got so much Botox in her, I doubt she'll ever decompose.
Deb Clarington:
[sees zombies in the office]
The morning staff meeting... ...
Transcript:
Ryan Waverly:
[luring a zombie]
Sale on flesh over here.
Ryan Waverly:
That would sound a lot less shitter than it actually is. | Well that actually sounds less shitty than whatever we've got going o...
Transcript:
[last lines]
Stacy:
Help me Chaz, they're eating me. | And let go of my wrist you're hurting me
Scene Description:
a man in a denim jacket is talking to a woman.
Transcript:
Chaz Waverly:
What has he got from you other than your eyes? | What No no You close their eyes
Transcript:
Manny:
Let me put it this way...
[pauses, then farts]
Manny:
No. | Let me put it this way
Transcript:
Ryan Waverly:
[on the staff at the DMV]
I bet they'll be more alive as undead than they were human.
Deb Clarington:
[impersonating a zombie]
Umm organ donors rrr. | I bet some of those workers will b...
Scene Description:
a man and a woman are sitting at a table and smiling.
Transcript:
Chaz Waverly:
Let's go blow some shit up.
[last lines]
Chaz Waverly:
We're alive and we're under arrest. | Then let's go Okay No No no no no I have an idea Hear me undead
Transcript:
[repeated line]
Lilith:
Do not feed the zombies. Beware the ghouls. Do not look the witches in the eye. | Do not feed the zombies Beware the ghouls Do not look the witches in the eye
Scene Description:
a man and a woman are standing in a crowd.
Transcript:
Hunter:
Yeah, isn't... isn't there, like, a saying, you know, "Never open a cabinet of souls in a hall of horrors?"
Beth:
I don't think there's a saying.
Hunter:
Should be. | Yeah isn't there like a...
Transcript:
Kellen:
That's the warning bell. I'm gonna be late for class.
Lilith:
And if you don't follow your heart, you're going to be late for life. | That's the warning bell I'm gonna be late for class And i...
Transcript:
Mayor:
Oh... that's in the teeth. | Oh that's funny because I see
Transcript:
Dr. Hysteria:
Honored guests - or should I say unfortunate victims? - I invite you to journey to Zombie Boulevard. | Honored guests or should I say unfortunate victims CHUCKLES I invite you to journey...
Scene Description:
a group of people are standing in a dark room with green lights on.
Transcript:
Dr. Hysteria:
Good-night. Join us again soon for more scary fun. Sleep with one eye open. | Good night Join us again soon for more scary fun Sleep with one eye open
Transcript:
Lilith:
I saw you wandering around aimlessly and I thought one of our zombies had escaped.
Kellen:
Sorry to disappoint. | I saw you wandering around aimlessly and I thought one of our zombies had esc...
Transcript:
Dr. Hysteria:
I've been watching you.
Luke:
Oh, good. I was afraid that, following the weird carny, you WOULDN'T be creepy. | I've been watching you Oh good I was afraid that following the weird carn...
Transcript:
Dr. Hysteria:
You look frightened - but then this IS the Hall of Horrors, so I suppose that's quite the point. | You look frightened But then this is the Hall of Horrors so I suppose that's quite the ...
Transcript:
Kellen:
So he isn't almost two hundred years old.
Lilith:
Well, between you and me, he... Sometimes he smells like it. | So he isn't almost 200 years old Well between you and me sometimes he smells l...
Transcript:
Hunter:
But like I said before, I'm here for you. | But you don't believe me Like I said before I'm here for you
Scene Description:
a man with brown hair and a black jacket is looking at the camera.
Transcript:
Luke:
You know, I never would've thought that my love of churros would've lead me this close to the gates of Hell. | You know I never would've thought that my love of churros would've led me this clos...
Transcript:
Sheriff Ashplant:
[Holding a rifle and speaking in the saloon to Bill and Saul]
You boys done come to the wrong place. | You boys done come to the wrong place
Transcript:
Mahmud Nasir:
Here's the thing about our clerics: some of them really do teach us about the holy Qu'uran, and that's fantastic. Some of them are out there protecting our repressed brothers and sisters...
Scene Description:
a group of people are sitting in a room with one of them wearing a hat.
Transcript:
Mahmud Nasir:
Americans shouldn't bloody be driving a black cab anyway!
Lenny Goldberg:
Asshole.
Mahmud Nasir:
I'm going to tell my family! I am!
Lenny Goldberg:
You know what? I don't give a fuck....
Scene Description:
a black car with the license plate h355yxm on the back.
Transcript:
[Lenny has parked his cab in Mahmud's reserved space]
Mahmud Nasir:
You've got a real fucking nerve...
Lenny Goldberg:
I know I should never have rubbed that fuckin' lamp.
Mahmud Nasir:
[Surprised]...
Transcript:
Lenny Goldberg:
I know. Word association.
Mahmud Nasir:
Dah, what are you talking about?
Lenny Goldberg:
Come on, a word association.
Mahmud Nasir:
What for?
Lenny Goldberg:
Car?
Mahmud Nasir:
Vo...
Transcript:
Nabi:
Look not what a man has done, but what he hopes to do.
Saamiya:
Who told you that Nabi?
Nabi:
Daddy did. | Look not at what a man has done but what he hopes to do Who taught you that nabi
Transcript:
Mahmud Nasir:
Oh, gimme a break. You find out you're Jewish and then suddenly some bloke in a uniform is leading you away? That's ridiculous. | Is it about rashid and uzma I mean I know it's a little ...
Transcript:
Gary Page:
I always go to sleep at midnight. It's when I fucking close my eyes, innit? FUCK OFF, YOU FUCKING PAKI! | I always go to sleep at midnight It's when I fucking close my eyes isn't it
Scene Description:
a web page that says " stream " on it.
Transcript:
Mahmud Nasir:
Anti-Semite!
Lenny Goldberg:
Islamophobe! | anti semite Islamophobe
Scene Description:
a black car with a license plate that says h15yw.
Transcript:
Lenny Goldberg:
Listen, Rabbi. My friend has drunk my chicken soup. He's danced like a Cossack in my living room, he told a funny story at a Bar Mitzvah and got a good laugh. I'm a Jew, and my friend ...
Transcript:
Mahmud Nasir:
That, uh, David Schwimmer. He's, uh, Jewish, isn't he?
Wasif:
He's got enough money to be, boss.
Mahmud Nasir:
Yeah, that's it, Wasif. Yeah, you're right. Rich Jewish wankers.
Wasif:
...
Transcript:
[Mahumd notices someone leave his real father's room, unaware that it is a Rabbi]
Mahmud Nasir:
Dad?
[Tries to hug him]
Rabbi:
Ugh! I don't think so. Firstly, you appear to be Muslim.
Mahmud Nasir...
Transcript:
Mahmud Nasir:
So, uh, Jews?
Lenny Goldberg:
Yeah.
Mahmud Nasir:
Tell me about them.
Lenny Goldberg:
[laughing]
Okay. Uh, let's see: Where shall we start? I know, let's start with me - the archetype...
Transcript:
Rev. Shayne:
I am the messenger of God, you little cocksucker! | drama of the film in terms of the um
Scene Description:
a man is sitting at a table with a plate of food on it.