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Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

Ron "Tater Salad" White dishes out his signature brand of cynicism, riffing on sex, celebrity and the sinister habits of wild geese.

Director

Tom Forrest

Year

Genre

Box Office

N/A

Production

Taillight TV

Awards

N/A

Homepage

https://www.netflix.com/title/80244900

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Explore 301 Clips

You ever take a crap so big
your pants fit better? - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

You ever take a crap so big your pants fit better?

But let me tell you something, folks. - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

But let me tell you something, folks.

I want to start off this evening
by telling you something about me - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I want to start off this evening by telling you something ab...

Um, I'm from a very, very small dusty town
in northwest Texas, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

Um, I'm from a very, very small dusty town in northwest...

Now I live in Beverly Hills
in a house my wife and I just built, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

Now I live in Beverly Hills in a house my wife and I just bu...

You know, the fame
and fortune and all that?" - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

You know, the fame and fortune and all that?"

One, while we were building this house, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

One, while we were building this house,

And as you approach these toilets,
the lid of the toilet automatically opens. - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

And as you approach these toilets, the lid of the toilet aut...

I'm like, "You're wasting our money
on this stuff?" - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I'm like, "You're wasting our money on this s...

And now when I approach a toilet, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

And now when I approach a toilet,

And I still eat tacos, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

And I still eat tacos,

What they do is they take
these baby ducks, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

What they do is they take these baby ducks,

And it turns out, they've been snipping
the pussy lips off of baby ducks - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

And it turns out, they've been snipping the pussy lips ...

And I don't know why,
'cause they used to sell duck tacos, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

And I don't know why, 'cause they used to sell duc...

You don't have to kill the baby duck
to get the pussy lips off of it. - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

You don't have to kill the baby duck to get the pussy l...

Sure, they bleed to death in the trash can
when you throw them away, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

Sure, they bleed to death in the trash can when you throw th...

So if you're ever in Beverly Hills
on Sunday night, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

So if you're ever in Beverly Hills on Sunday night,

I'm 61 years old now, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I'm 61 years old now,

Anything has the potential
to become a DUI checkpoint - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

Anything has the potential to become a DUI checkpoint

Governor Schwarzenegger helped me
with that second one, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

Governor Schwarzenegger helped me with that second one,

They also say
friends don't let friends drive drunk. - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

They also say friends don't let friends drive drunk.

I was leaving a party the other night, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I was leaving a party the other night,

Now, I won't drive drunk,
but I will ride with somebody - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

Now, I won't drive drunk, but I will ride with somebody

.08 is a revenue stream for the federal
fucking government, is what .08 is. - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

.08 is a revenue stream for the federal fucking government, ...

Now I'm not saying
I've never driven drunk, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

Now I'm not saying I've never driven drunk,

I was in Melbourne, Florida, one time
and I was driving a rental car, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I was in Melbourne, Florida, one time and I was driving a re...

And I'm driving, and I look ahead, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

And I'm driving, and I look ahead,

"Fuck..." - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

And I get up there and the cop goes, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

And I get up there and the cop goes,

You pour that much Scotch on a tongue, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

You pour that much Scotch on a tongue,

He goes, "Well, I need you
to blow into this breathalyzer," - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

He goes, "Well, I need you to blow into this breathalyz...

I'm not, and I'll tell you why, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I'm not, and I'll tell you why,

That's an agility test,
and I'm not very goddamn agile, all right? - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

That's an agility test, and I'm not very goddamn a...

I'm not, and it's not fair to me, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I'm not, and it's not fair to me,

I'm not a 21-year-old, puking
cheap tequila through my nose. - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I'm not a 21-year-old, puking cheap tequila through my ...

I'm a 61-year-old raging alcoholic,
motherfucker." - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I'm a 61-year-old raging alcoholic, motherfucker."

We go back to O'Leary's Pub
where this whole fucking thing started. - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

We go back to O'Leary's Pub where this whole fucki...

If you can beat me at darts, you can
take me to fucking jail, how about that? - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

If you can beat me at darts, you can take me to fucking jail...

I got to go this year for the first time
in my career to do stand-up in Europe, and I did shows in Amsterdam,
Edinburgh, Scotland, and London. - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I got to go this year for the first time in my career to do ...

And when I was in Edinburgh, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

And when I was in Edinburgh,

Not because they try to say something
funny. It's just the words they say, whatever the fuck they say
just cracks me the fuck up. - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

Not because they try to say something funny. It's just ...

So I'm having breakfast in this restaurant - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

So I'm having breakfast in this restaurant

I only have the room key.
I left everything in my room, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I only have the room key. I left everything in my room,

I'll get some money.
I'll come back over and pay you." - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I'll get some money. I'll come back over and pay y...

And I did these shows in London, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

And I did these shows in London,

So I really had to call
and promote these shows - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

So I really had to call and promote these shows

This is what this DJ says to me: - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

This is what this DJ says to me:

Every time a celebrity
calls our station, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

Every time a celebrity calls our station,

He was like, "No, what I'm saying is, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

He was like, "No, what I'm saying is,

Trying to make this funny,
sell some comedy tickets - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

Trying to make this funny, sell some comedy tickets

And the punchline of that story is,
I come back to the States, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

And the punchline of that story is, I come back to the State...

That Yale snob fucking piece of shit,
fucked me out of so goddamn much money. - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

That Yale snob fucking piece of shit, fucked me out of so go...

It happened ten years before, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

It happened ten years before,

My wife's like, "You're a dick." - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

My wife's like, "You're a dick."

It was a story about a town
in the Middle East where, by law... - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

It was a story about a town in the Middle East where, by law...

By law, the women who live in this town - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

By law, the women who live in this town

Not two eyeholes like those other sluts. - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

Not two eyeholes like those other sluts.

Just enough
to keep from bumping into shit. - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

Just enough to keep from bumping into shit.

They're like, "Ooh, look at that one." - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

They're like, "Ooh, look at that one."

Three weeks ago,
my wife and I went to New York City, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

Three weeks ago, my wife and I went to New York City,

You can get married now if you're gay,
anywhere in America, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

You can get married now if you're gay, anywhere in Amer...

I've got tons of gay friends, most of 'em
male dancers from fucking Vegas, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I've got tons of gay friends, most of 'em male dan...

I think the Supreme Court fucked up
the best thing about being gay. - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I think the Supreme Court fucked up the best thing about bei...

I'd give you half my shit right now,
but I don't make up the rules." - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I'd give you half my shit right now, but I don't m...

I was doing a meet and greet
the other day right after a show, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I was doing a meet and greet the other day right after a sho...

We had spent $100,000
on this little fucking room, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

We had spent $100,000 on this little fucking room,

I told him, "Don't you goddamn do it.
Don't you fucking do it." - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I told him, "Don't you goddamn do it. Don't y...

While I was in Canada shooting
a fucking pilot! The motherfucker! - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

While I was in Canada shooting a fucking pilot! The motherfu...

You ever notice nobody ever dies
when you wish they would? - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

You ever notice nobody ever dies when you wish they would?

This conversation got
so goddamn out of hand. - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

This conversation got so goddamn out of hand.

The shit that should have
never got said got said, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

The shit that should have never got said got said,

I'll tell you how the conversation ended,
and then you'll know how it went. - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I'll tell you how the conversation ended, and then you&...

She goes, "Listen, Ron.
I'm not trying to be an asshole," - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

She goes, "Listen, Ron. I'm not trying to be an as...

And I told this young guy, I said,
"Yeah, if I were you, I'd go to a gay bar, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

And I told this young guy, I said, "Yeah, if I were you...

You go anywhere in West Hollywood, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

You go anywhere in West Hollywood,

These places are packed
to the fucking rafters - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

These places are packed to the fucking rafters

And these guys are laughing
and dancing and drinking, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

And these guys are laughing and dancing and drinking,

They're doing whatever the fuck
they want to do - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

They're doing whatever the fuck they want to do

"I got a good idea, Tommy. Let's do a big shot of tequila, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

"I got a good idea, Tommy. Let's do a big shot of...

And they march off to the bathroom
and do exactly that, exactly then, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

And they march off to the bathroom and do exactly that, exac...

I thought about being gay one time, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I thought about being gay one time,

Like, "What - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I'll tell you this story. This happened
last Wednesday at The Comedy Store in LA. - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I'll tell you this story. This happened last Wednesday ...

And The Comedy Store in LA
is a really pretty big place. - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

And The Comedy Store in LA is a really pretty big place.

It's got three comedy clubs
and I'd just done a 15-minute set - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

It's got three comedy clubs and I'd just done a 15...

And right before I went on stage, - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

And right before I went on stage,

So I did my set, and I'm out
in the hallway talking to Joe Rogan - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

So I did my set, and I'm out in the hallway talking to ...

I was always going to tell you
if I ever met you - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I was always going to tell you if I ever met you

I appreciate that,
and I'm sorry you lost your dad." - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

I appreciate that, and I'm sorry you lost your dad.&quo...

And it turns out
I had no problem with it at all. - Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up

And it turns out I had no problem with it at all.

Ron White: If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up poster

★ ★ ★ ★ ★

Ron "Tater Salad" White dishes out his signature brand of cynicism, riffing on sex, celebrity and the sinister habits of wild geese.

User Rating: 0.0 (0 ratings)

Director: Tom Forrest

Writer: Ron White

Production: Taillight TV

Genre: comedy

Year: 2018

MetaScore: N/A/100

ImdbRating: 6.6

BoxOffice: N/A

Released: 16 Oct 2018

Awards: N/A

Homepage: https://www.netflix.com/title/80244900