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Kelsey Cook: Mark Your Territory
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Kelsey Cook's second stand up special.
Year
2025
Genre
comedy
Production
800 Pound Gorilla Media
Self - Host
Kelsey Cook
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00:05
- Oh man, what is up Madison?
00:12
People have been asking me why I decided
00:05
That's good for comedy, yeah.
00:06
I'm just slamming cheese curds, I love it.
00:06
You try to shoot a special in LA,
00:06
I feel like intermittent fasting means something
00:06
I feel like that's when you guys black out by five
00:08
I wrapped my car around a pole last night,
00:06
I thought it'd also be fun to shoot it here
00:09
Yeah, I moved to Minnesota last year in the month of January
00:06
Eight month winters are fucking brutal, God.
00:07
When I hit my one year mark of living there,
00:07
I was like, oh, I just walked into my bathroom
00:07
Then I learned that God forbid you try using a bidet there
00:11
When I moved there, I turned on the TV
00:11
Living in Minnesota and going on vacation to Alaska
00:10
I moved there to live with my boyfriend,
00:06
Thank you one horny woman, yeah I appreciate you.
00:06
I found out also when I got there that they have some
00:08
I was like, for why,
00:08
Skedaddle and I moved there from Washington
00:11
So now anytime my boyfriend tries to start a fight with me,
00:18
When he and I got together,
00:05
And he goes, I'll just be like, this is my lady.
00:06
I can't be like, mom, dad, I'd like you to meet my...
00:05
I tell you my love life is a Chipotle.
00:08
It's very convenient, very farm to table,
00:15
But then some switch flipped in my 30s
00:10
And he does get hit on when he walks on stage,
00:05
So at his shows I've just started
00:11
And if I see a woman laughing too hard at one of his jokes,
00:07
Well, he's my Lord, scoot.
00:16
I feel like most people assume I'm exaggerating
00:05
This is when I go snooky on somebody?
00:06
All of the men in the crowd were looking around like Jerry,
00:05
It's like, yeah, time to fuck around
00:06
I feel like men's bodies start to really turn on them
00:05
He has to wake up every two hours in the night to pee.
00:08
And when I see him in the morning with bags under his eyes,
00:06
And then I think you're too exhausted to cheat on me,
00:05
You're not getting enough REM to pull off two relations...
00:05
Can catch you if I need to, get back here.
00:07
But now the second I see him start to reach for melatonin,
00:15
I don't usually mind our age gap,
00:08
So he did that with a picture of me and my boyfriend
00:06
No, please.
00:06
On my birthday as a prank
00:06
And when I opened my bathroom cupboard,
00:06
I have been telling my single friends
00:05
My boyfriend shows me his credit score
00:07
Happy fourth, peace be with you.
00:09
I will say if you date somebody older than you,
00:05
My dad was an international yo-yo man for a living.
00:06
When you were growing up, a guy came to your school
00:06
I do love my dad, I think he gave me a very specific
00:07
Like I have enough to have become a comedian,
00:06
My dad's just a little too supportive
00:12
If I tried to post my boobs online behind a paywall
00:06
Oh God, no, no.
00:07
I don't know of that many people personally
00:07
I follow her on Twitter because she tweets the most
00:11
She tweeted the other day
00:08
And I say some dirty things up here,
00:08
There are gonna be so many suspects
00:12
I listened to her on a podcast where she said
00:06
And I heard that
00:05
I mean, I'm not even willing to wear heels up here
00:05
She's out there changing her dental records, good Chris...
00:15
I told that joke in Grand Rapids a few months ago
00:07
She goes, We can tell,
00:06
And I was like, well, none of us are gonna be able
00:07
And she goes, they have suction on the roof of their mouth.
00:05
That is so not how I thought you would be able to tell.
00:08
Right, I thought she was gonna say
00:06
Quit that, you swallow at your work.
00:05
Not here goblin.
00:08
I know that I have to have some daddy issues
00:13
I think it's very ironic as a comedian
00:07
I mentioned on my special, the Hustler
00:06
So I had no idea what to expect the first time he finished.
00:05
I was like, is it gonna be dust?
00:06
So I decided to do some research in a lab called my mouth.
00:05
And you're welcome.
00:10
We're all adults here
00:10
And I have been pretty shocked now at
00:06
Oh my God, liar, liar.
00:06
No HR in your life, no way.
00:11
And Chad has a 19-year-old daughter
00:08
So later that night she texted Chad
00:06
But just thought you should know I definitely unfollowed
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Kelsey Cook's second stand up special.
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800 Pound Gorilla Media
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2025
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